Van Halen Guy, Part 2

I was going to keep this blog at least kind of classy, but I realized that all of my funny stories are far from classy. This is probably as far from it as you can get.

Anyway, sometimes (ok...a lot of times), I'm completely wrong about a person.  Remember when I was like, "Oh that Van Halen Guy, he's such a character! That crazy guy!"

Well, he was just a harmless weird guy who I honestly did think was a pretty cool person, until he told me how much he REALLY likes me and wants to have a relationship with me.  WHAT??  Uh, no thanks.  You are old enough to be my dad.  And you also have a daughter who is around my age.  That just doesn't sit right with me, Van Halen Guy. 

Well, thankfully, he stopped coming in on the days I'm there.  Until the day he came in to tell me that, yes, he's been ignoring me, and that he's going to leave me alone now, because I don't feel the same way, and blah blah blah, we all know how that goes.  It was a pretty sad day for me, actually, because before he went all weird on me, he was definitely one of my top five favorite patrons.

Now, before I get to the good stuff (and trust me, if you like bathroom humor, you're going to love this), I have to explain why he has my phone number, because that is what everyone has the hardest time with when I tell them this story.  He has my phone number because before all this, he was just a dude who plays guitar and was interested in my band.  He had given me his number before, so one day I sent out a mass text about my band playing that weekend and I sent it to him.  Because I thought he would like to see my band play.  Ok?  I didn't know he was going to abuse it.

Ok.

Glad we have that cleared up.

So just recently, I got a text from him while I was at work.  He does this thing, instead of texting, or calling and leaving a voicemail, he records himself talking and then texts the audio file.  So I waited until after my shift and I was outside to listen to it.  I was curious, because after all, he was supposed to be ignoring me!

I opened up the file and played it.

It was a fart.

Oh. My. God.  If I could post it on here for all of the internet to hear, I would.  It is glorious in every way that a fart should be.  I mean, it's disgusting as hell, and just the fact that he would even record himself farting, and then send it to someone, is completely beyond me, but it is an amazing fart.  Oh, how I laughed. I'm still laughing, in fact.

Phew.  Anyway.

Then the next day, I started getting more audio files of him talking, but they weren't for me.  It was starting to get annoying, until it got really funny.  If you're offended by bad language, I apologize, but I have to quote this verbatim.

"What the fuck is that, Mike?"

Then another one:

"What'd you do, take a shit in the toilet bowl?  Is that what that is?"

Then the final one:

"Oh, so that's what that is, I thought maybe you got a picture of my ex-wife, swimming.  Very good!"

I was getting only one half of the conversation, but oh, how funny it was. 

The next day I started getting pictures of his guitars. This was a pretty regular occurrence with him, so I wasn't fazed by it.  If you remember from the first post about VHG, he LOVES to talk about his guitars and sent me multiple pictures of them - different angles, close-ups.  But this day, it went:

Guitars, guitars, guitars, poop, guitars, guitars…

Wait, WHAT??

Yeah.  Unless he had reused the picture his friend apparently sent him that looked like his ex-wife, this was a fresh poop picture.  Try waking up from an almost-nap to THAT, people.

Anyway, somehow he realized that I was getting his text messages, and I got a somewhat nervous, frantic sounding apology audio file text from him.  Apparently I was in his groups and so he was sending texts out to everyone, including me.  Oops.

I kind of hope I never see him again, because all I will see when I look at him is his poop.

That picture still haunts me.

But I still haven't deleted that fart text.  How could I?

Drug Dealer

This happened a while ago, but it's too good not to share.  I sort of knew this kid because he would come in all the time with his annoying girlfriend and use the computers.  He was kind of a pain in the ass, like one time I saw him eating a hoagie at one of the tables in the back.  Really, man?  A hoagie in a library?  Gross.  But the thing is, it's hard to dislike him because he's so polite!  He asked me my name one day, and introduced himself to me, and every day I saw him after that he would say hello and he remembered my name.  I saw him chatting with a cop in the library once, and he was so pleasant and making jokes and stuff (yes, we have cops come into the library sometimes; usually because a librarian calls them in to monitor some fishy behavior, like I mentioned before with Van Halen Guy threatening another patron).  If you read the title of this particular piece, you would guess this kid is/was a drug dealer.  Let's pretend his name is Chris.  The other librarians referred to him as "Drug Dealer Chris."  I had no idea about him, but once they told me his nickname, it all made sense.  The annoying girlfriend, the hoagie, the random shady looking characters that would come in and talk to him in the back of the library and then leave…

He ended up in jail (shocking!) but not for dealing drugs.

He broke into someone's car, stole their GPS, and then took it to a pawn shop.  When he filled out the paperwork, he used his name and information.  When the guy at the pawn shop turned on the GPS he saw that it was registered to someone with a different name.  So he called the cops and it wasn't hard to find him, since all of his information was on the paperwork.

Real genius.

Very polite, though.